The Journey Ahead

Journey Ahead

Dear Journal,

Writing for me is almost like therapy, I get things off my chest … it helps me see things from different viewpoints, and it provides a place where I can just be myself.

I know I can’t blog forever … it’ll be odd for me to continue writing until my weeee old age of whenever. I know it would have to end someday, so I’ve decided to stop writing and this is my last post.

It just feels like now is the appropriate time … just my vibe. Do I wish I could continue writing, do I still have little stories I want to tell everyone, do I have topics I want to discuss still? Yes, yes, and yes … of course I do.

Is work keeping me sooo busy I don’t have time to write anymore? No not at all, I still manage to make time for my personal life.

It’s been a heck of a ride, I’ve been writing for about 4 – 5 years, and it’s been an amazing journey. This blog will still be here, that’s the good thing about the Internet.

I could be 50 and still come back to read events from here … which is kind of scary when I think about it.

Anyway, most of my posts deal with my everyday life … what I’ve been up to … how I am … people in my life … or anything interesting I find on the Internet. Just like all the other 5 quadillion people out there.

Friends & Acquaintances
I look back when I write about my friends and when I view at them as a whole, there’s some who are great people that you’ll hopefully know for years to come.

We started out as co-workers, but that eventually evolved into something more, and it wasn’t because we were working there that made us friends.

And then there are some who are great acquaintances, there’s not that genuine friendship there. Like we  only talked or were friends because we worked together and that was the glue holding us.

Without it binding us, you realize there was actually nothing there in the first place, it was just that we had work in common, nothing else.

Anyone and everybody has acquaintances, but to call someone a friend … that truly is something special. You know who you’re real friends are, and those are the ones worth keeping … even if it takes some extra effort. 

Yeah we argue and bicker, but what relationship doesn’t? No relationship is sooo perfect that no there’s no arguments, that would just be weird.

I have to face the fact that I’m getting older and it’s tiring to constantly have people come and go in your life. That the only reason they leave is because we stopped caring and didn’t put that effort in anymore.

Sometimes the simplest things in life are always the most difficult. It makes it seem you don’t have true friends, just many acquaintances … many, many acquaintances.

It’s like MySpace … people have their “Friends” list. You see some who have 153 and others who have 7. You know the person who has 153 might not really have great friends, they just happen to know a lot of people.

Compared to the person who has 5 .. you look at them and know that those 5 are probably their closest friends.

For the friends / acquaintances in my life right now … we’ll see where things go. Can I predict what will happen to them … yes and no. Sometimes it’s far too easy to underestimate the people that care about you the most. 

We’ll see what happens ……….

So for your close friends .. appreciate them for their uniqueness, appreciate them for the way they are, and appreciate them for being in your life and considering you as their friend.

Sometimes we forget how lucky we are to have them in our lives, that we take them for granted. So take the time out and drop a line … it’s sometimes the easiest thing to do.

In the end, every relationship / friendship needs maintenance.The bottom line is that if you care about someone, it’s pretty easy to make the sacrifice.

Family
There are times I write about my family, did I take my parents for granted before? Yes I did and after moving out I saw that and I appreciate them more now because of it.

I go back every 2 weeks to my parents home to do laundry and have lunch with them. I knew after moving out I wouldn’t see them as much. So I made a promise to myself, that I never told anyone, that I would go back and visit them.

I don’t have to, I mean I could do laundry at my apartment complex, but they’re a big part of my life. I’m not going to shut them out just because they’re not around me all the time anymore, that was a mistake that I’m not going to repeat again.

Every couple of days, I call them asking how they are, what they’ve been up to, etc.. I’ve even started talking about things I do with my friends / co-workers, which I’ve never did before.

Even with big decisions, I’ll talk to them first and see what they think. Instead of the way I handled moving out on my own last year. *rolls eyes*

I write about my sister … she’s my only sibling and I can’t imagine her not being my sister. She’s like Version 2.0 .. the improved version that (hopefully) learned from my mistakes. 

I cannot imagine my life without her … she’s more of the realist (at times) between us.

I’m still afraid of coming out to them and wondering how they’ll react to finally finding out I’m gay. It scares me to death and you guys have no clue how apprehensive or nervous I get when I think about it.

Life is sometimes too short to squabble over petty little things or be too arrogant to admit to something … someone you care about deeply could be gone the next day, in the blink of an eye. It sucks to have someone close to you die, it really does.

Communication is key to anything … friendships, relationships, careers, and on and on. Part of it is vulnerability, it’s the key to good communication and healthy relationships. It’s scary at first, but so worth it.

The Journey Ahead
Well this isn’t the end of the journey for me, far from it. There’s still a lot of things I need to work on myself, and it’s not going to happen overnight. Sometimes I care soo much about other people, that I forget about me.

I know that sounds selfish, but I’ve never really taken care of myself. And now I’m paying the price because of it. The only thing we could do is try to be optimistic and look forward.

Yeah my dating life, well more like the non-existent dating life. Do I wish I could be in a relationship? Yeah I do, but maybe now isn’t the time, sometimes it comes when you least expect it.

Would I want to have kids with my partner later on. Heck yeah I do … am I good with kids, no I’m not .. but it’ll be a learning experience. It would be nice to have a family .. as unusual as it maybe … it would be nice, white picket fence and all *laughs*

And Finally …..
Thank you for stopping by … those 1 or 2 people who take time out of their day to come and read. I know it’s hard to do, but from the bottom of my heart thank you and I hope it was a fun, bumpy at times ride.

Thank you for those who took the time to read and write comments … many of them were so helpful, it provided another viewpoint, it provided some encouragement, and it provided insight that I would have never thought of.

Who knows .. maybe in a few years I’ll start writing again or maybe I could actually buy some notepads and actually write down my thoughts, I know … soooo 1990’s.

So thank you again … I’m going to miss doing this, I’m going to miss writing, and I’m going to miss sharing my life with you guys.

I’ll still be around in some form or shape … there’s still Twitter, MySpace, Facebook, Linkedin, and on and on and all those billion social networking sites out there.

I’m going to miss you guys *gives hug* … sorry but I love giving and receiving hugs … *smiles*

Goodbye you guys and Thanks for everything!

– A

February.22.2009 at 10:11 pm 2 comments

You Can Lead A Horse To Water …..

Dear Journal,

I mentioned that a previous co-worker asked for help on what to do when he graduates. Well we decided to meet at my apartment at 07:45 Monday night.

Even though we worked with each other for about 2 -3 years, I was surprised how little he knew of me when we were talking. I know general and some details things about him, but nothing like my best friend.

It was surprising he didn’t know it took me 6 years to graduate from college, or what I went through when I was finding a job (I’ll admit that I took it harder than normal people), or the internships that I’ve had.

I kept on saying he should ask this other guy we both know what I went through during my last year in school or how much I love Apple (we somehow got onto the topic of hobbies).

Anyway, I left work early so I called him letting him know to drop by at 07:00 if he wanted to, well he didn’t show up until 08:30. He finally arrived and I went outside to open the gate for him

We walked in and I went into my bedroom to put my jacket away. As I came back out, I saw him standing at the door still. Puzzled on why he didn’t just come in, I asked him to make himself comfortable.

(more…)

February.17.2009 at 10:44 pm Leave a comment

Some Personal Updates

Dear Journal,

Geez, March is only 2 weeks away … time flies … so onto some juicy gossip (or lack of) in my life. I’m letting you guy’s know first that this is a long post .. so you might want to get in a comfortable place or come back to read the rest.

Part of it are updates and part of it is getting things off my chest. To those who actually read the entire post, props to you … really, I’ll give you guys the high five now *high five*

Yeah .. two posts in one night … amazing huh?

(more…)

February.16.2009 at 12:01 am Leave a comment

The Rejected Status

"The whole experience of being left out is one of the basic driving forces of human experience."

Dear Journal,

I was reading an article in Newsweek about rejection and the side effects that it may have on a person. That it can lead to lower intelligence scores, weakened immune systems, acts of aggression or anti-social behavior.

The reality is it hurts to feel excluded or rejected from someone we care about like a close friend, to someone we could care less about, like a co-worker you only say hi to, but of course it’s going to hurt more from someone we know.

Like when I hangout with my previous co-workers, all I hear is them going out together or what’s happening with each other; even personal things in their lives. It’s easy for them to do that because they’re part of each others life.

Of course I feel excluded, I’m not going lie about it, because I’m not in that group. It’s hard to try and talk with them about events that you were never part of. So I just sit there, put a smile on my face, and pretend everything is fine.

Even when people ask how I am, I know it’s difficult because we’re not in each others life. You can only ask so much before stopping the conversation.

Anyway, the article goes on to describe a paradox of sorts, that the more we feel rejected the more we “push away our connections”, that it is like a self-protective mechanism.

(more…)

February.15.2009 at 6:36 pm Leave a comment

That Thumping Sound

Dear Journal,

I really hate my new apartment neighbor, why because the asshole doesn’t seem to understand the word “courtesy”.

It’s 12:09 a.m. right now and he’s been playing his fucking music for 5 damn hours. All I can hear in my apartment is bass, bass, and more bass … my bedroom now sounds like you’re in a club.

My head is throbbing and I’m at the verge of going crazy. I can’t pinpoint the exact apartment, but I’m 98% sure it’s the new guy who just moved in next door. Seriously … you’re playing music that loud right now?

And nope it’s not the first time either, this happened last Saturday when I awoke around 03:00 a.m. to go to the bathroom, he was STILL playing music.

I’m planning on talking to my apartment manager tomorrow or seeing if there’s a number I can call to report the noise, because i don’t appreciate it. I think someone tried asking him to turn the noise level down because I heard knocking about an hour ago.

Guess he chose to ignore it or couldn’t hear it.

And if the apartment manager is not going to do anything about it, then they’re going to lose a decent tenant. Stupid neighbor.

– A

February.15.2009 at 12:21 am 2 comments

Moving Time Already?

 

Living Without Cable for a Week

Living Without Cable for a Week

Source: Flickr.com 

Dear Journal,

I came home around 07:15 tonight, which is early for a change. It was nice to actually enjoy dinner without gulping it down like I was in a race.

Anyway, I got my keys to open the door when I noticed a letter on it. They’re doing renovations around my complex so I thought it was a notice about it.

But to my surprise it was from my apartment manager reminding me that my lease was up in April, and that if I renewed it by the 23rd, I could keep the same price.

As I was reading it I couldn’t believe it. I mean it feels like I just moved in yesterday and we’re talking about renewing my lease already. This guy I knew remembers without hesitation that I moved in May, which I was doubtful of, guess he was right.

I’m not ready to deal with this yet, I still haven’t spoken to my parents about getting a house. Two more months and my lease is up, and time is going to fly and I can’t push this to the side anymore.

So I’m going to talk to my parents this weekend about it, either we start looking now or I renew my lease for another year. My cousin was thinking about moving out, and I was contemplating about asking if he wanted to get a place together.

It would be nice to finally come home and have someone there, instead of silence and it would help me save some money. But I don’t like mixing money with family, it somehow always turns out bad.

Speaking of saving money, I was telling my co-worker last week that I was going to try and not watch any cable starting this week. I kind of cheated yesterday, but starting today no cable … I promise.

Cable takes a chunk of my budget and I could be saving so much without it. In a couple of months it’ll increase ~60%, which isn’t something I am looking forward too. Darn you AT&T, why don’t you offer U-Verse near my apartment?

So I could switch to broadcast cable (just your local channels) for $15 and if I really want to save just get rabbit ears since television stations will be broadcasting in digital.

I remember before moving out, I was talking to this guy I knew on-line about it. I remember him saying why even get cable when you can basically watch it on-line or download it. So that’s what I’m going to try and do this week.

Me living without cable, may the cable gods have mercy on me. Thank goodness I still have the Internet, that is something I cannot live without.

I know times are tough right now, out of curiosity have any of you guys started to cut back on “luxury” items, like cable to save money?

For my goal this week: talk to parents about a house … guess we’ll see what they say. I guess sometimes it’s convenient to push things / people off to the side, until it’s too late and we get fucked by it.

– A

February.9.2009 at 10:50 pm 2 comments

Really … It’s Raining?

Dear Journal,

We finally got some much needed rain here in O.C. / L.A., which is nice for a change. The only thing I despise about it is that I’m stuck in my apartment during the weekend or traffic is a nightmare during the weekdays.

Anyway, I was driving home Monday night when I get a text from this guy I used to work with. It’s been awhile since I’ve spoken to him and found it peculiar that he text me.

So I got back to my apartment and replied asking how he was, apparently he has “time” now and wanted to hangout. He called when I was eating dinner and we talked for a little bit.

Bottom line he wanted some advice on school and finding a job. We continued talking and made plans to grab dinner on Saturday. 

I was hesitant about it because it’s been awhile since we’ve seen each other. That awkwardness of not seeing him for awhile would be there, where the only thing we could do is reminisce.

Because I can’t really talk about the present since he only exists in my past, and not the present.

He wouldn’t know why I wanted to buy a house, or how work is going, or where my sister was. (I think she’s going to Vegas this week, mom and I don’t really know the exact day, which is sad.)

The only thing we still have in common was that we used to work together, that it feels like that’s the only reason we’re friends.

It’s almost like reading a book, putting it down for a couple of years, and picking where you last left off. For some it’s easy to do continue without feeling that there was a break, but for most it’s not that easy.

———- ———-

(more…)

February.8.2009 at 9:34 pm Leave a comment

It’s Like Keeping In Touch, Without Ever Talking To Me

Dear Journal,

Yeah .. I know I haven’t written for weeks .. and I’m not going to bullshit about why. I could say I wanted to and procrastinated .. but that’s just another lame excuse. I’m pulling out of my ass.

I am diverting most of my attention and resources to work, and have slowly let it consume me.

The main reason I do is it keeps my mind distracted and preoccupied from events in my personal life. I know eventually I have to face them, just not now.

I still have my priorities and try to make time for them, that is something I won’t give up. Because I’ve neglected things in the past and it always came back to haunt me. 

Anyway, it’s peculiar for me to have people read my posts (which I’m thankful and grateful for) and care to see how I’m doing. It’s like keeping in touch, without ever having to talk to me.

Yes I pour my heart and soul when I write here: you get to see my up and down moments, you get to see my dreams and wishes, and you get to see my weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

It’s almost voyeuristic, like finding your sisters diary or your best friends journal. That little voice in the back of your mind says, “Don’t, you shouldn’t”, but curiosity gets the best of you.

As you flip through the pages, you read their most inner, private thoughts. Things they would never discuss, but feel absolutely comfortable writing, you finally see them as they genuinely are.

The walls and defense mechanisms they have in place are gone, they are at their most vulnerable point.

So what’s going on with me …..

(more…)

February.1.2009 at 11:27 pm 11 comments

A Look Back and A Look Forward

Dear Journal,

I can’t believe it’s 2009, it’s like we were just starting 2008. I felt like ’08 wasn’t the best year, there were some bright moments, but those were few and rare. So I’m looking back at some moments of 2008…..

(more…)

January.1.2009 at 11:12 pm 3 comments

A Semi-Memorable Day

Dear Journal,

Well this year wasn’t one of the best birthday’s I’ve had, on a scale from 1 – 10, I would have to rate it as a 4.

I woke up this morning around 04:30 and wasn’t able to go back to sleep, so I laid there trying to force myself to. After unsuccessfully doing that for 45 minutes, I decided to wake up.

Since I woke up early, I decided to take my time eating breakfast and read some news before going to work. I left at the usual time and traffic was surprisingly decent.

I got to work around 07:20 a.m. and starting to setup because I knew it was probably going to be a long day. Once my lead came in we started where we left off on Friday. It was just kind of none stop after that, everything was just a blur.

My co-workers wanted to take me out to lunch, even though I brought my own because I wasn’t sure if I’d have time to take a longer lunch. So they ordered take-out and we all ate at the office, which was nice of them to do.

I ordered this chicken and rice dish that was pretty good, which most people did as well.

After lunch I continued working. As I was typing and fixing my Excel workbook, I heard someone in the background whispering. I instinctually turned around to see what they were doing.

Someone was watching what I was doing, so I knew my co-workers were up to something. I didn’t really think about it so I continued working when all of them came into my cube singing , “Happy Birthday” with a cake.

I was surprised and a bit shocked because I wasn’t expecting them to do this, as they continued singing Happy Birthday some of the clients came to see what all the commotion was about. They finally finished and we started to cut the cake. 

It was pretty delicious, the co-worker I sit with bought it … it was chocolate with some strawberries in it. I wanted to take a picture of it, but we started to cut it before I had a chance to do so.

After hanging out and eating cake for a little bit, all of us went back to work. I thanked everyone for everything and was genuinely touched that they did all this. It’s a funny feeling to know that people other than my family care about me, something I’m not use to at all.

It was just a long day and I didn’t leave work until 09:30 p.m.. My sister and mom called wishing me a Happy Birthday.

They wanted to buy a cake, which they always do, but couldn’t tonight since I left work late. My sister was asking if I was going to go out for dinner, in the back of my mind I’m thinking, “Ummm, I don’t have anyone to go out with”.

Her tone of voice was kind of sad when I said it was too late, she said maybe I could do something during the weekend instead. I had a couple of friends text me Happy Birthday, which was surprising because I wasn’t expecting them to remember.

So after 14 hours of work, I took a quick shower and started to eat dinner. And of course the first thing I did after staring at a computer all day, was you guessed it … stare at the computer even more!

I turned on my laptop and started to breeze through my news feeds quickly.  All in all it was not the best birthday, this was the first year I never got to celebrate it with friends. Part of me was sad about it, I’m not going to lie.

I honestly wished I was able to do something with them, but I got to spend it with some great co-workers who made the day better.

Well I’m a year older now, I don’t feel any different, thankfully. My sister is going to San Francisco tomorrow to spend New Years with her best friend. She’s coming back on Saturday I believe.

Ahhh, New Year’s is upon is … another night by myself, not something I’m looking too forward to, yup .. that is life.

– A

P.S. – I usually edit my posts and revise them, but I’m really tired today, so forgive me for not editing anything, thanks!

December.29.2008 at 11:47 pm 2 comments

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About Me

The short version: Guy in his late-20's, loves technology (especially Apple) and his close friends, eating ice cream on his bright yellow couch and finally .. I'm gay.

But you can read the long version HERE

Quotes Of The Day

- "In the end, every relationship needs maintenance …Whether it’s the smallest gesture …or just picking up back where you left off. The bottom line is that if you care about someone, it’s pretty easy to make the sacrifice."

- J.D. (From Scrubs)

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