It’s Like Keeping In Touch, Without Ever Talking To Me

February.1.2009 at 11:27 pm 11 comments

Dear Journal,

Yeah .. I know I haven’t written for weeks .. and I’m not going to bullshit about why. I could say I wanted to and procrastinated .. but that’s just another lame excuse. I’m pulling out of my ass.

I am diverting most of my attention and resources to work, and have slowly let it consume me.

The main reason I do is it keeps my mind distracted and preoccupied from events in my personal life. I know eventually I have to face them, just not now.

I still have my priorities and try to make time for them, that is something I won’t give up. Because I’ve neglected things in the past and it always came back to haunt me. 

Anyway, it’s peculiar for me to have people read my posts (which I’m thankful and grateful for) and care to see how I’m doing. It’s like keeping in touch, without ever having to talk to me.

Yes I pour my heart and soul when I write here: you get to see my up and down moments, you get to see my dreams and wishes, and you get to see my weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

It’s almost voyeuristic, like finding your sisters diary or your best friends journal. That little voice in the back of your mind says, “Don’t, you shouldn’t”, but curiosity gets the best of you.

As you flip through the pages, you read their most inner, private thoughts. Things they would never discuss, but feel absolutely comfortable writing, you finally see them as they genuinely are.

The walls and defense mechanisms they have in place are gone, they are at their most vulnerable point.

So what’s going on with me …..

– That guy I was kind of seeing, well more like not seeing anymore. It’s like every guy I meet, it starts off good .. kind of settles .. then “meh” .. it’s over. Like both of us just lose interest and there’s no messy break up. My gut just told me this guy wasn’t going to work out and I just can’t put my finger on it, something was off with him.

– I’m realizing I can’t afford a house on my own, the only way is to rent rooms out to help with the mortgage. My apartment lease is up in a couple months and I don’t know if I can get the same price for it. If not I might go back to my parents for awhile before hunting down another apartment, which is a thought.

– Yeah I seem to like this other guy at work, but again I’m not sure if he’s gay or not. Physically he’s average looking, but I love his personality. which makes me see how adorable and cute he is. He is 4 years younger than me though, always with the younger guys.  *rolls eyes*

– My co-worker was asking what I was doing for the weekend, which I replied with, “Nothing much”. When asked with the same question he finally brought up his girlfriend (which I apparently didn’t know he ever had). He had that, “What would my response be?” kind of look when he mentioned her.

I didn’t really make a big deal of it and just asked what they were doing. Apparently it’s her birthday and he was contemplating on where to take her. Story of my life huh? Everyone gets into a relationship except for me. I sometimes wonder if I’ll ever be in one.

– I came back late Wednesday night from work and almost broke down crying. I was just tired, not from work but just from … well I don’t know. Not a single damn day passes where I wish I wasn’t here and realize it doesn’t matter if I am alive or not.

No one would really notice and that’s the bottom line. Hell if I never had this blog, no one would know how I was doing. There I said it, I wish I wasn’t alive. From my perspective I don’t see a purpose in living … I don’t see a point of it … why even wake up in the morning?

All we do is get up, go to work, come back home, eat dinner, watch some t.v. or go online for an hour or two, sleep, and then repeat the same damn thing the next day until we’re 65. After finally reaching that age, we wait until Death comes and picks us up.

I know I’m being dumb and selfish for even having these thoughts, its just sometimes I wonder what my purpose is … why was I put on Earth? I feel everyone was meant to do something, but as I look back in my life … it wouldn’t have mattered at all if I was alive or not.

And I’m being completely serious about it, the people that I’ve met and are part of my life … if you take me out of the equation, nothing would change about them. Bottom line, it would make no difference if I ever met them or not. 

I’m being so fucking stupid right now, what’s wrong with me .. stupid me.

February already huh .. time fucking flies.

– A

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Entry filed under: Gay, Life, Personal, Thoughts.

A Look Back and A Look Forward Really … It’s Raining?

11 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Awake In Rochester  |  February.3.2009 at 8:20 am

    Hey, it’s good to see you back! Have you given any thought to starting another blog? This one didn’t use to be a diary. I have a diary that no one can see, and also a public blog too. I mean if your a bit uncomfortable you could have the two.

    I haven’t written in my diary for months, but use it when I need to write about some hurdle in life.

    Reply
  • 2. - A  |  February.3.2009 at 11:13 pm

    I have thought about it, but managing two is difficult enough. I mean if I can’t even keep up with this one, lol.

    Before I was almost thinking about actually writing in a physical journal, but that idea went out the door like everything else.

    Reply
  • 3. christam  |  February.5.2009 at 5:59 pm

    hang tight. people who don’t even know you are rooting for you…
    realization that there is a purpose is the first step. keep thinking and seeking, and i’m sure a purpose will fill your heart.
    in the meanwhile, it sucks. but we are young creatures – i liken it to a baby teething – its bloody painful, and they don’t understand. but pain is the only way they grow, just as is pain (emotional) for adults.

    Reply
  • 4. christam  |  February.5.2009 at 6:10 pm

    oh and i don’t forget, there’s bacon to live for!

    Reply
  • 5. - A  |  February.6.2009 at 10:49 pm

    Thanks for the comment, I appreciate it. It just feels like I’m stuck in a hole right now, and there’s no way to climb out it it.

    That frustrating feeling .. bacon huh? I haven’t eaten that for such a long time, 🙂

    Sounds good right now, with maybe a stack of pancakes.

    Reply
  • 6. christam  |  February.9.2009 at 6:28 pm

    you did put the embedded link in your blog to that comic, right?

    Reply
  • 7. - A  |  February.9.2009 at 8:35 pm

    oh yeah I did, I’m surprised anyone clicked on it.

    Reply
  • 8. MoNi  |  February.7.2010 at 5:44 pm

    Hey A,

    News flash, everyone has bad days. Keep everything in perspective. From what I’ve read, you’re amazing. If I lived in LA I would hang out with you in a heartbeat. As for relationships, it’s incredibly hard to find quality. Don’t be jealous of those in relationships because the majority are miserable. I’m 28 and still single (the only one in the group single) and while I would love to be with someone, I won’t settle. Your prince will come around. As for purpose, maybe you should get involved in community work. I like working with kids. You’re amazing from what I know. Don’t be so hard on yourself.

    Reply
    • 9. - A  |  February.7.2010 at 7:00 pm

      Hi Moni,

      Awww thanks for the comment, :). I’ve thought about community work .. I keep saying that but never follow though, which I hate. Thanks for the support, I guess you’re own worse critic is yourself .. you kind of make me want to start writing again … hmmm

      Reply
  • 10. MoNi  |  February.7.2010 at 5:49 pm

    Just realized it’s been a year since you wrote this. Hope you met your partner and are feeling better emotionally. 🙂

    Reply
    • 11. - A  |  February.7.2010 at 7:00 pm

      Don’t worry about it … I’m actually still single, 🙂 and emotionally .. I’m way better … 😀

      Reply

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About Me

The short version: Guy in his late-20's, loves technology (especially Apple) and his close friends, eating ice cream on his bright yellow couch and finally .. I'm gay.

But you can read the long version HERE

Quotes Of The Day

- "In the end, every relationship needs maintenance …Whether it’s the smallest gesture …or just picking up back where you left off. The bottom line is that if you care about someone, it’s pretty easy to make the sacrifice."

- J.D. (From Scrubs)

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