It’s Like Keeping In Touch, Without Ever Talking To Me

Dear Journal,

Yeah .. I know I haven’t written for weeks .. and I’m not going to bullshit about why. I could say I wanted to and procrastinated .. but that’s just another lame excuse. I’m pulling out of my ass.

I am diverting most of my attention and resources to work, and have slowly let it consume me.

The main reason I do is it keeps my mind distracted and preoccupied from events in my personal life. I know eventually I have to face them, just not now.

I still have my priorities and try to make time for them, that is something I won’t give up. Because I’ve neglected things in the past and it always came back to haunt me. 

Anyway, it’s peculiar for me to have people read my posts (which I’m thankful and grateful for) and care to see how I’m doing. It’s like keeping in touch, without ever having to talk to me.

Yes I pour my heart and soul when I write here: you get to see my up and down moments, you get to see my dreams and wishes, and you get to see my weaknesses and vulnerabilities.

It’s almost voyeuristic, like finding your sisters diary or your best friends journal. That little voice in the back of your mind says, “Don’t, you shouldn’t”, but curiosity gets the best of you.

As you flip through the pages, you read their most inner, private thoughts. Things they would never discuss, but feel absolutely comfortable writing, you finally see them as they genuinely are.

The walls and defense mechanisms they have in place are gone, they are at their most vulnerable point.

So what’s going on with me …..

(more…)

February.1.2009 at 11:27 pm 11 comments

A Look Back and A Look Forward

Dear Journal,

I can’t believe it’s 2009, it’s like we were just starting 2008. I felt like ’08 wasn’t the best year, there were some bright moments, but those were few and rare. So I’m looking back at some moments of 2008…..

(more…)

January.1.2009 at 11:12 pm 3 comments

A Semi-Memorable Day

Dear Journal,

Well this year wasn’t one of the best birthday’s I’ve had, on a scale from 1 – 10, I would have to rate it as a 4.

I woke up this morning around 04:30 and wasn’t able to go back to sleep, so I laid there trying to force myself to. After unsuccessfully doing that for 45 minutes, I decided to wake up.

Since I woke up early, I decided to take my time eating breakfast and read some news before going to work. I left at the usual time and traffic was surprisingly decent.

I got to work around 07:20 a.m. and starting to setup because I knew it was probably going to be a long day. Once my lead came in we started where we left off on Friday. It was just kind of none stop after that, everything was just a blur.

My co-workers wanted to take me out to lunch, even though I brought my own because I wasn’t sure if I’d have time to take a longer lunch. So they ordered take-out and we all ate at the office, which was nice of them to do.

I ordered this chicken and rice dish that was pretty good, which most people did as well.

After lunch I continued working. As I was typing and fixing my Excel workbook, I heard someone in the background whispering. I instinctually turned around to see what they were doing.

Someone was watching what I was doing, so I knew my co-workers were up to something. I didn’t really think about it so I continued working when all of them came into my cube singing , “Happy Birthday” with a cake.

I was surprised and a bit shocked because I wasn’t expecting them to do this, as they continued singing Happy Birthday some of the clients came to see what all the commotion was about. They finally finished and we started to cut the cake. 

It was pretty delicious, the co-worker I sit with bought it … it was chocolate with some strawberries in it. I wanted to take a picture of it, but we started to cut it before I had a chance to do so.

After hanging out and eating cake for a little bit, all of us went back to work. I thanked everyone for everything and was genuinely touched that they did all this. It’s a funny feeling to know that people other than my family care about me, something I’m not use to at all.

It was just a long day and I didn’t leave work until 09:30 p.m.. My sister and mom called wishing me a Happy Birthday.

They wanted to buy a cake, which they always do, but couldn’t tonight since I left work late. My sister was asking if I was going to go out for dinner, in the back of my mind I’m thinking, “Ummm, I don’t have anyone to go out with”.

Her tone of voice was kind of sad when I said it was too late, she said maybe I could do something during the weekend instead. I had a couple of friends text me Happy Birthday, which was surprising because I wasn’t expecting them to remember.

So after 14 hours of work, I took a quick shower and started to eat dinner. And of course the first thing I did after staring at a computer all day, was you guessed it … stare at the computer even more!

I turned on my laptop and started to breeze through my news feeds quickly.  All in all it was not the best birthday, this was the first year I never got to celebrate it with friends. Part of me was sad about it, I’m not going to lie.

I honestly wished I was able to do something with them, but I got to spend it with some great co-workers who made the day better.

Well I’m a year older now, I don’t feel any different, thankfully. My sister is going to San Francisco tomorrow to spend New Years with her best friend. She’s coming back on Saturday I believe.

Ahhh, New Year’s is upon is … another night by myself, not something I’m looking too forward to, yup .. that is life.

– A

P.S. – I usually edit my posts and revise them, but I’m really tired today, so forgive me for not editing anything, thanks!

December.29.2008 at 11:47 pm 2 comments

Another Year Older … Hopefully Another Year Wiser

Dear Journal,

Well it’s that time of year again … I’ll be turning another year older, whether or not I’ve become wiser is a matter of opinion. It frightens me that 30’s right around the corner (thankfully not anytime soon, but it’s lurking there).

I feel like when you’re around this age, people start to think about settling down … starting a family … or buying their first home. Then the pressure from parents or relatives come into play, and you have to hear, “Oh … no girlfriend yet?” … “Oh … still living in that apartment?” … “Oh … when am I getting some grandkids?”

It’s like if I don’t start on those goals, I’ll never accomplish them.

Finding a boyfriend isn’t the easiest thing in the world, I think I have better chances of buying a home first. I still have to come out to my parents, and that scares me to death … I’m afraid of their reaction.

So gone are the day’s when I can stay up until 3 a.m.,  or push my physical boundaries to their limits, or even drink like a sailor. But age does come with some experience and I’ve realized that family and friends (well some of them) are important …..

(more…)

December.28.2008 at 2:29 am Leave a comment

The Simple Things In Life

Dear Journal,

I was at Barnes and Nobles a couple of weeks ago Christmas shopping for someone, when I stumbled upon a book. Bored as I was, I thumbed through it reading random passages. One caught my attention because it was heart warming and I loved the quote the author had.

She was writing about gifts her friends have given and what they represent …..

The real treasures are the people who gave them to me. As much as I enjoy and appreciate every single memento, I value what they represent more. Their gifts say that these lovely people love me. In the midst of their busy lives, they think of me. They’ve made the effort to know me, to reach out to me, to make memories with me–not out of duty or familiar fate, but because they chose me. They chose me to be their friend.

Sometimes the best presents are the ones we never think of … sometimes they’re the simplest things … and sometimes they’re staring you right in the face.

Anyways, I was reading a post online … just browsing when I saw a one about Life Lessons of a Stubborn Child. It talked about people not being perfect, that we all have flaws within us.

But it sometimes takes a brave soul to let your friends know about them, so they can better themselves.  It may be hard to tell the other person because of what may happen, but they’ll ultimately be grateful that you because they know in their heart that you were trying to help them.

So my sister called me today letting me know they were in New Mexico, that they went to see a desert with white sands .. or something similar to that. She was calling from the motel and said she felt like they were in the 70’s.

They sound like they’re having a decent time, but she was saying that time feels like it’s passing slowly. So I guess the trip isn’t going all as planned.

It’ll be nice to see them once they get back though … well hopefully before 2008 ends though.

– A

December.26.2008 at 11:06 pm Leave a comment

Those Addicting Infomercials

Dear Journal,

I was at my grandmothers house watching television when I saw this infomercial called “The Snuggie“. It’s basically a blanket with arm sleeves.

If you watch the infomercial, it looks like a robe worn backwards and instead of this couldn’t you just wear a sweater?

Also, I found out that in Japan they have a pillow called the “Boyfriend Arm Pillow”. Who needs a real boyfriend when you can have this pillow? I mean he’s there for you all the time, snuggles without complaining, and you can fall asleep without him tossing and turning!

Well I guess the real thing is better though … pillows can’t really talk.

Screw getting a boyfriend, this is perfect!

Hope you guy’s had a great Christmas though, the end of 2008 is right around the corner ….

– A

December.25.2008 at 11:18 pm Leave a comment

Merry Christmas

Dear Journal,

So I was at work when I got a text from my sister that mom and dad aren’t going to Vegas anymore. Supposedly the travel company they were going with didn’t have enough money in their budget to take everyone.

The only reason mom was going was because it was a “free” trip *rolls eyes*. I was pretty happy to hear the news that they weren’t going anymore.

An hour later my sister calls informing me they’ll be going to Arizona now, since my dad wanted to go somewhere still. I was thinking, “Are you joking with me?”.

So I won’t get to celebrate Christmas nor my birthday with them now, they’ll be leaving on Christmas day (go figure) and won’t return until the 28th. Originally I was planning to grab lunch with them on Sunday to celebrate my birthday early; well that won’t happen now.

Wow .. I get to be alone on Christmas Day and my birthday .. could it get any better? Yeah … can you hear the sarcasm?

Anyway, my co-worker invited me to his house tomorrow, he’s having a Christmas holiday party with his friends. I think I would go if I didn’t need to go to my Grandmother’s. From what I heard, the party he had on Saturday was .. well it sounded like he didn’t remember much of that night, ha!

But for those few people who come and take some time out of their busy schedule to read my posts, I wish you and your family a wonderful and safe Christmas. I hope you guys get everything you wished for, but remember … it’s still a time of giving and you’ll feel great when you do give back … trust me.

Merry Christmas you guys!

– A

December.23.2008 at 10:50 pm 2 comments

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About Me

The short version: Guy in his late-20's, loves technology (especially Apple) and his close friends, eating ice cream on his bright yellow couch and finally .. I'm gay.

But you can read the long version HERE

Quotes Of The Day

- "In the end, every relationship needs maintenance …Whether it’s the smallest gesture …or just picking up back where you left off. The bottom line is that if you care about someone, it’s pretty easy to make the sacrifice."

- J.D. (From Scrubs)

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