A Look Back and A Look Forward

January.1.2009 at 11:12 pm 3 comments

Dear Journal,

I can’t believe it’s 2009, it’s like we were just starting 2008. I felt like ’08 wasn’t the best year, there were some bright moments, but those were few and rare. So I’m looking back at some moments of 2008…..

Moving Out
That was the year I moved out on my own, I had to fight my parents tooth and nail for this. It wasn’t easy convincing them about it, mom was all right with it and understood.

Dad on the other hand did not want me to go, he wanted me to stay but didn’t realize why I moved out. My parents can’t take care of me forever, they will die eventually and I need to learn how take care of myself.

Before moving out, I felt like my relationship with them was suffering. Even though I could do as I pleased, I felt confined and restricted by living with them.

For example, there was always this obligation of calling mom if I was working late or if I was going out I had to tell them where.

So through this experience of living on my own:

  • I’ve learned to budget and save money (well sometimes)
  • Cook for myself and learn how to make new dishes (e.g. Beef Stew)
  • Shopping smart at the market and learn how to pick fruit and vegetables out
  • My relationship with my parents have improved, we get along much better now. Even though I don’t see them everyday, I do call them (almost) daily to see how they are.
  • I appreciate now everything they did when I was living with them (e.g., Having dinner ready when I got home, taking care of errands like grocery shopping or dry cleaning and having someone there)

In the end, I think it worked out for the best.

Friendships
This year I’ve made some new friends and lost some old ones.

After working at my job almost 2 years, my co-workers still don’t know much about me. Even the co-worker who I share a cubicle with. Slowly, but surely I’m trying to open up more at work. 

I’m trying my best to let my guard down and just be me, but sometimes I don’t know who I am still.

I’ve also lost a couple of close friends this year as well:

Ryan: I miss being friends with this guy, always had that cute smile, funny personality, and always had a soft spot for him. I think both of us helped in the demise of our friendship though. If he called me or needed help, would I?

I might, wait .. let me take that back, most likely I would help him out.

Nat: We use to be really great friends, I met her at my previous job. Even after she quit she always kept in touch with me, asking how I was and to hangout.

At that time I was still working there and didn’t really put in the effort like I should have. I was being arrogant and selfish, and didn’t know any better at that time.

I was being a shitty friend, while she genuinely cared. As time progressed, she would still try and keep in touch while I didn’t at all. She even put the guilt trip on me a couple of times, which I deserved.

I think that started our downfall, we got to the point where we lost touch completely and didn’t know how either of us were doing. Even now when I see her, there’s always this feeling of an elephant in the room.

She’s still a friend, but we’re not close anymore and again I think both of us helped in the demise in our friendship.

Now with my buddy James, I kind of see this happening with us. In the back of my mind I’m thinking, “In a couple more months, will we be how Nat and I are now?”

You have your friends, and then you have your “core friends”, these are the people who you trust, these are the people where you can be yourself without being judged, and these are the people you know will be in your life for awhile and not some fad that comes and goes.

New Year’s Eve
I was planning to spend New Years Eve alone, but a friend had a get together, so I decided to go.

Having worked 36 hours in 3 day’s, it takes a toll on you mentally and physically. By the time I got home yesterday, I ate dinner and fell asleep while watching television.

But I wanted to go to my friends place still, even though I was ready to hit the hay.

It was nice seeing everyone that I use to work with, some new faces, but when I hangout with them it feels like I’m from the outside looking in.

Most of their conversation entails what’s happening at work, and since I’m not there anymore I don’t know what they’re talking about or why something’s funny.

As usual everyone was drunk or nearing that point, it’s funny to be semi-sober while watching them. All in all it was great night, by the time I got home I was exhausted and went directly to bed.

A Look Forward
I’m hoping 2009 will be a better year.

I want to work and (try to) repair some of my friendships, sometimes we have to be a bigger person and just apologize for being a shitty friend. I also have to realize it’s not always my fault that my friendships get ruined.

I need to learn not everything is going to happen the way I want to, that’s life. I should enjoy and appreciate my relationship with my family and friends. You never know, the next day they could be gone forever.

So some goals I want to achieve this year are:

  • Consider buying a house (this may or may not be feasible depending on if my parents can help me or not)
  • Try not to over-think too much
  • Work on my relationships (i.e., Go out and try to meet new guys and also work on my relationship with friends)

Well I hope everyone had a great and safe New Year’s, cheers to 2009!

– A

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Entry filed under: General, Life, Personal, Thoughts.

A Semi-Memorable Day It’s Like Keeping In Touch, Without Ever Talking To Me

3 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Tara  |  January.17.2009 at 12:14 pm

    Happy New Year!

    I’m hoping that things will shape up on the work end this year. Other than that, though, I can’t really complain.

    Reply
  • 2. Awake In Rochester  |  January.19.2009 at 9:29 am

    Looks like you’ve learned some good lessons.

    Hey, new post needed! 😉

    Reply
  • 3. Awake In Rochester  |  January.29.2009 at 12:49 am

    KNOCK! KNOCK! Are you around? You are missed!!! Come out, come out, wherever you are.

    Reply

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About Me

The short version: Guy in his late-20's, loves technology (especially Apple) and his close friends, eating ice cream on his bright yellow couch and finally .. I'm gay.

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