September.29.2008 at 1:01 am Leave a comment

Sept. 28, 2008

Dear Journal,

Kindness: The quality of being warmhearted and considerate and humane and sympathetic

I focus so much on my flaws, that I fail to remember my strengths. That I am a genuinely nice guy, who cares about his family and friends more so than I should, and to quote from a buddy of mine, that I “wear my heart on my sleeve“.

People who have met me or truly know me, always say I am:

  • Nice (or Kind)
  • Easy To Talk To
  • Thoughtful

Those characteristics make up the core of my personality and I neglect that sometimes.

When it comes down to it, you can sum me up as … a sincere, “gives a damn about people”, and altruistic person.

It was funny because I sold my graphing calculator this weekend to this high school kid. He couldn’t meet me so his mom went instead.

When I was checking my email at night, he wrote a thank you letter. The part of his email that I found amusing was when he wrote,

My mom thinks you’re a nice person(haha) 

It’s weird that someone you only met for a minute can ascertain the type of person you are.

Anyways, these past couple of months, it felt like the negative, insecure side of me took over. That it buried the person I used to be … the person that I enjoyed being … the person I was meant to be.

I started to get insecure about all of my friendships because in my eyes, I never thought it was mutual. In the sense that only one of us considered each other a friend, while the other didn’t care.

I’m not sure when it started, but I was afraid of getting close to anyone. The fear of opening up and getting hurt was something I wanted to avoid.

It’s like pouring salt in an open wound … it fucking hurts.

All of the friends I’ve had always seem to become acquaintances after while, I’ve termed it, “The Pattern”.

  • We start talking less and less
  • We start hanging out less and less
  • And finally we become distant memories and acquaintances

It’s followed me throughout life like a lost puppy; I’ve battled it tooth and nail, but it always wins. I saw it coming with this girl I used to be close with; I made attempts to ensure it didn’t happen, but it did.

I see it again with a buddy of mine, I’m trying to fight it, but it feels like I’m going to lose once more. Would I ever admit this to his face? Hell no … because he hates it when I doubt our friendship.

In my heart I know he cares, it just sucks for me to know I can’t really hang out with him much.

Anyways, this past year hasn’t been great for me on a personal level … I felt lost, lonely, and isolated. Even with so many great people around me.

So I’ve been trying to focus on the positive side of my life, just looking through my IM transcripts and email. I see so many good things from people who cared (and still do) about me.

The generous and thoughtful comments they said or wrote reminds me of what type of person I am.

People show how they care in different ways … which makes them unique.

Some people are great with words (e.g., email or letters) while others are great with showing you (e.g. a hug or spending time together).

Kindness … you sometimes find it in the strangest places, but it’s nice to know it’s always there.

– A


Entry filed under: Friends, Life, Personal, Thoughts.

When It Boils Down More Disappointments

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About Me

The short version: Guy in his late-20's, loves technology (especially Apple) and his close friends, eating ice cream on his bright yellow couch and finally .. I'm gay.

But you can read the long version HERE

Quotes Of The Day

- "In the end, every relationship needs maintenance …Whether it’s the smallest gesture …or just picking up back where you left off. The bottom line is that if you care about someone, it’s pretty easy to make the sacrifice."

- J.D. (From Scrubs)

September 2008
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