When It Boils Down

September.19.2008 at 10:25 pm 2 comments

09/19/2008

Dear Journal,

I haven’t spoken or hung out with my friend James lately. The last time we spoke to each other was about a month ago … I think.

Anyways, after we last saw each other it feels like he shut down.

He occasionally goes on IM, and that’s how we talk and see how both of us are. And every month or so we hang out by having lunch or doing something random.

We haven’t done either of them. But this month feel’s different … I just have this odd vibe.

So I’m going to Vegas with him and 5 other people from my previous job next month.

The paranoid, non-trusting side of me say’s he hasn’t been online because it hasn’t been convenient for him to do so or doesn’t feel like talking.

That’s one thing I’m really working on … to not be like that and trust him. I tell myself I’m being irrational and stupid to think he would ever do that.

If he were here, he would say the same thing.

The only thing that bugs me about this Vegas trip is that it feels like they’ve planned it around the 6 of them and I’m not part of it.

Like 4 of them were carpooling together and James said I could carpool with this other guy, Rolando, who was going. But I found out he knew nothing about it and thought I was driving there by myself.

And with the living arrangements, I have an idea of what it is, so it’s probably not going to be a surprise when he finally tells me.

It’s great to have a trip planned, and I need to thank James’s girlfriend for doing it. But it feels like you’re left out of things. That each of them have their own agenda created, except me.

Like, they’re planning to watch this show or play in this tournament together, and I’m left standing there by myself.

Playing slots alone, surrounded by 60 year old ladies who smell like moth balls, hovering over my machine like vultures because they think they’ll win a big jackpot after I leave it.

Stupid ladies, this is my machine .. get your own! Lol.

Which reminds me of this Friends episode where Phoebe was playing slots and this lady was following and taking over her machine everytime she left it, funny episode if you guy’s haven’t seen it.

Anyways, I am excited to go, I just don’t want to get there and feel like I’m hanging out by myself. Everyone’s bringing their boyfriend, girlfriend or friend along, so everyone has a “travel buddy” .. except me.

I’m being over-paranoid and realize that, which is why I’m writing down my thoughts.

But it sucks to feel like my best friend doesn’t feel open to me.

That’s the root of the problem I think. Like if I ask him, “Oh .. how are so and so doing?” and he’ll reply, “They’re fine”.

But in reality they broke up or arguing or whatever the case may be and everyone at his job knows about it for example.

Or if I ask how school’s going he’ll say “Fine”, but he’ll tell other people’s he’s failing or something.

Like he says one thing to me, but says what he really means to anyone else.

We’ve known each other for about 2 years, thank goodness he won’t ever know that I don’t remember when we became friends.

  • Do I wish that we could hangout before we go to Vegas … yeah of course since we haven’t done so this month and I miss doing it.
  • Is he going to ask me to do so .. probably not because he has other things on his mind.
  • Are we going to just finally see one another once we go next month, my Magic 8 Ball say’s, “Most Likely”. Good ‘ol Magic 8 Ball.

I still see him as my little brother, which he’ll probably never understand why.

  • Do we argue at times … yes
  • Do we have fun when we hang out .. yes (well I do with him, he has to answer that himself)
  • Do we as friends make time for each other …..

I know I give him a hard time occasionally, but I never mean to. And I always end up feeling like crap afterwards because it’s like hurting your own family, which he doesn’t know about.

So let’s just keep that between you and me. In the end he always comes through somehow.

He’s already shown he’s a great friend, it’s just these oddities about him that get me all riled up. But that’s the case in any friendship. We give and take and accept them for who they are.

I’m lucky to know him still … like my friend Nat. If I actually look around at the people in my life … yes they were co-workers.

But somehow … it evolved instead of, “Hey .. this is my co-worker” .. it became, “Hey … this is my friend

In the end you always know who your real friends are and they are the ones worth keeping 

Thanks for everyone’s comments on The Common Thread post. After reading them and evaluating my own life … I’ve come to realize the great friends I still have.

They’re fun to be with … they’re frustrating to be with … at the end of the day, I wouldn’t change any of them.

As I re-read this post, it reminds me how stupid and ridiculous I’m acting.

Anyways, two more weeks before we go … *takes deep breath*

– A

 

 

 

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Entry filed under: General, Life, Personal, Thoughts.

It’s Been Awhile Kindness

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Awake In Rochester  |  September.22.2008 at 3:47 am

    Are you going to Blog World Expo 09? I just read a post about it from another blog friend. She is in her 20’s too.

    At any rate I hope that you just relax, and have a great time, ;o) (deep breaths are good).

    Reply
  • 2. - A  |  September.22.2008 at 10:11 am

    I didn’t even knw there was an Blog Expo, haha. Sounds interesting though.

    Thanks .. I hope I get to relax too and don’t have to think about work either .. 🙂

    Reply

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About Me

The short version: Guy in his late-20's, loves technology (especially Apple) and his close friends, eating ice cream on his bright yellow couch and finally .. I'm gay.

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