My Restlessness

June.9.2008 at 1:00 am 4 comments

I’m having trouble concentrating at work and in my personal life these days … it’s always this constant thought lurking in the background … constantly … no matter how much I try and avoid it … it’s there … living … thriving … dormant for the time being.

I think when it comes down to it … these are the two reasons …

Reason One: WWDC is tomorrow and I cannot wait for Steve Job’s Keynote. You can follow the keynote on sites such as Gizmodo, MacRumors, or ars technica. I usually go on Gizmodo .. Engadget is another good site as well.

Please Steve … pleasssse don’t disappointment me to much. I have expectations for the 3G iPhone … but it’s on the low side this time because of the debacle of when the SDK was suppose to be released.

Reason Two: A realization and outlook on my life … it’s a horrible feeling when I feel like I’m stuck in a hole and there’s no way out. That despite all my efforts to climb out … I can’t.

So I stand there looking up, calling for help, and just pray … just pray that someone out there hears me. Even though I try my best to mask and numb how I’m feeling … whether it be through alcohol … whether it be through semi-reckless actions, whatever the case … it doesn’t help because it’s only temporary.

But you know what? I can’t wallow in this self-pity that I’ve created for myself … it’s not fair to myself because it’s only letting the negative side win … which I don’t want. 

I know I’m better than this … I’ve always set goals for myself and have accomplished them. It took me some time and effort though … but I got through it. 

I use to be so confident, semi-optimistic, happy … whatever happened to him and how did I ever turn into the person I am now. Part of me … well a large portion of me feels like because I’m not “out” … it’s hindering who I could be.

Even at work, sometimes I just want to say, “Hey .. umm I’m gay .. just wanted to let you guy’s know”. It’s such a relief to be myself around my friends who know. They’ve been really supportive and I couldn’t ask for any better friends.

Not sure if all gay guy’s go through a period of depression or this feeling of loneliness … that you’ll never meet a guy because of some bull shit excuse.

I think it would be easier going through this phase if I actually had someone like me … all my friends are straight … so I think it’s difficult for them to relate to what I’m going through or feeling. I know they try and I’m grateful for those who do.

Well .. enough of this crap .. the 3G iPhone .. I’m surprised my co-worker hasn’t gone crazy with me constantly talking about it with him, lol. He’s a pretty cool person … guess I should let my guard down when I’m around him.

Time for bed I guess … night guys.

– A

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Entry filed under: Gay, General, Personal, Thoughts.

My Anticipation My Catching Up

4 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Tara  |  June.10.2008 at 9:27 am

    I hear you about the rut. As easy as it is to slip into one sometimes, it’s also easy to get out of it in one way or another. I tend to slip into a routine each day of doing this or that. Just changing one thing about that routine can do wonders for enthusiasm. Next time I get the community course catalog, I’m signing up for more classes. Those are so much fun, you should check into something like that. I have taken stained-glass classes, ghost hunting tours, parapsychology courses and yoga in the past.

    Reply
  • 2. - A  |  June.10.2008 at 3:43 pm

    Thanks for the advice Tara … I’m slowly trying to create a daily routine too.

    Ghost hunting tours huh? Sounds kind of interesting, I never knew there was a class like that at all, 🙂

    Reply
  • 3. Tara  |  June.10.2008 at 6:04 pm

    More like a tour than a class. We went to the Mansfield Reformatory in Mansfield, Ohio. Supposed to be chocked full of ghosts. I’ve gone there three times and took photos of mysterious orbs. The first time I was there, I felt like I was being pushed out of a room. The third time I could not go down one of the hallways. I don’t spook easily, but I had to turn around.

    You’re in California, right? You could probably tour The Winchester Mansion in San Jose. That’s supposed to be really haunted.

    Reply
  • 4. - A  |  June.10.2008 at 10:14 pm

    That’s really scary about feeling like you were being pushed out. I heard about the Winchester Mansion … I hear it’s haunted to and the mansion itself is almost like a mzze.

    Reply

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About Me

The short version: Guy in his late-20's, loves technology (especially Apple) and his close friends, eating ice cream on his bright yellow couch and finally .. I'm gay.

But you can read the long version HERE

Quotes Of The Day

- "In the end, every relationship needs maintenance …Whether it’s the smallest gesture …or just picking up back where you left off. The bottom line is that if you care about someone, it’s pretty easy to make the sacrifice."

- J.D. (From Scrubs)

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