My Lost Memory (I)

June.5.2008 at 9:17 am 2 comments

This is one of those lost memories I had with my friend Ryan, you can read the other one HERE … so let’s get into our time machine and go back to December 2007 … *cue Back to the Future theme song* ……….

I was texting my friend, Ryan, that I used to know …..

Me Texting: Hey. I have your x-mas present. If you could find some time today or tomorrow so I can please give it to you.

A couple of minutes later, I get a call from him (which I was not expecting). We talk a little, with him saying he didn’t deserve nor wanted a gift. I told him he was a bad liar as he started to chuckle. I mean it was Christmas and I love buying presents for my close friends.

And hopefully he knew that as well, so we agree to meet in 15 minutes at The Block At Orange.

Hastingly I grab a pen and start writing a message in in his Christmas card … a minute or two passes and I stuff it into the envelope, write a short message on his gift card, and get dressed.

I just came back from Target so I wasn’t able to prepare his gift properly … he’s so impatient that little one … soooooo impatient. *Smiles*

Hoping that I didn’t have to talk much because I had just gotten two wisdom tooth removed the day before, I happily put on a jacket and scarf, then headed out into the chilly evening.

I arrived fifteen minutes later, parking was a bitch as usual because of the holiday’s, so I circled the lot like a vulture ready to attack its dying prey. Luckily I found someone who parked really close to the front.

I park and check my phone to see if Ryan was here … nope. I get his Christmas card and vacate my warm, cozy car into the chilling December night. I walk to the Rocky Mountain Chocolate Factory store to meet him, and also buy caramel apples (he loves eating them).

As I got near the store I look around to see if he was there … nope. So I call him up … ring … ring … ring … voicemail. I hang up hoping he’s near because I’m starting to get cold, plus it was awkward standing by myself in a sea of people.

Photo Credit: Flickr

He calls seconds later letting me know he’s finding parking and will be here soon. So I stand in front of the store, waiting for him and do some people watching. Minutes passed and I was getting more and more anxious to see him, hoping he would soon arrive.

Minutes later I see him, wearing jeans and a teal looking shirt (which is one of his favorite colors). We say, “Hi”, to each other and he asks to see my phone because someone called him and he didn’t know who it was. *Rolls eyes*

I hand him my phone and he’s confused on how to use it, it’s the iPhone for gosh sake … it should be intuitive, just like his phone. He starts to dial, when a friend of mine calls … he recognizes the name and hangs up on her.

“Ryan why did you do that?” … “I don’t know”, he said with an innocent stare. So he dials his mysterious number … no one picks up … and ends the call.

He hands my phone back and jokingly pretends to drop it. “Funny Ryan .. reaaal funny”.

“What!?, I wouldn’t drop it Andyo”, as he laughs.

I give his Christmas card and present to him. “Merry Christmas Ryan, hope you could get something nice.”

“Thank you Thank you Andyo”, he said happily as he opened up the envelope and sees the gift card inside. (That isn’t my real name of course, just a nickname he came up with … still to this day … he won’t ever say my actual name … it’s always my nickname.) “You know Ryan … I wanted to buy you some shirts.”

He sarcastically said he wears, “XXL”, because I was joking with him the other day that he was a fatty. So instead he got the gift card (which I honestly hate doing at times) to Express.

“You didn’t have to get me anything”, he said while skimming what I wrote to him in the Christmas card.

We talk a little and I learn he’s sick ….. again. He was telling me how he was throwing up the night before and didn’t feel well at all. During this entire time you could see that his body language shouted, “uncomfortable”.

His body was semi-turned away from me, there wasn’t much eye contact when we were talking (he kept glancing everywhere), and he was fidgeting.

Eventually we walk up to the store window where they have large, magnificent caramel apples all decorated with sprinkles and candies galore. Both of us admiring and amazed of the assortment that is in front of us, like kids at a toy store.

Photo Credit: Flickr

We’re standing in front of the display, he’s to my left ….. just standing and bending over a bit deciding which one to get. I turn my head to look at him and smile because it’s cute seeing him think and make a decision.

He makes these faces while doing so, it’s really adorable if you watch him. He has different facial expressions for different moods … when he’s thinking, when he’s confused, when he’s sad … it always makes me smile seeing those expressions.

It felt nice standing next to him, I was only focused on him and no one around us. Time felt like it froze for a minute or so. I kept glancing towards him .. just looking how adorable he was. Part of me wanted to put my arms around him while he was making his decision.

But he just stood there, looking at those damn apples and occasionally glancing at his cell phone. I was joking with him how he had a little bag for it. He said he had slippery hands and wanted to protect it in case he dropped it.

We talk about which one he wanted, but was having difficulties because all of them looked delicious. And did I mention he likes eating them too?

So I ask him, “If you were to only choose one, which one would it be?”. Plus I remembered some of the flavors he likes … so that helped in our decision.

He chooses one, then I ask him again … he chooses another. So we just need one more … we do the same thing and finally decide on the last one.

It felt like an hour for him to decide which apples he wanted. We stood there a little longer because he’s thinking if he should change his selection. We were debating if we should get one more … after what seemed like eternity … he said 3 was enough.

We head on into the store and let the cashier know which ones Ryan chose.

Thank goodness we only bought 3 because I didn’t want him having all this junk food and get a stomach ache later. Knowing he wasn’t feeling well still, I was hesitant to even buy him the apples. I mean, if he didn’t eat it, he could always share it with his parents or brother.

So we were waiting for the cashier to cut and wrap the apples and he notices chocolate covered peaches. “Next time Ryan …. next time”, I said smiling. The most awkward part of this was that he actually let me pay.

Yeah he got his wallet out too, but this time he didn’t insist on paying. He usually does and is headstrong on paying for himself. I tell him to put his wallet away and it would be part of his Christmas present. He smirks and puts his wallet back into his pocket.

I hand my debit card to the cashier.

She gives it back to me and hands me the apples, which I hand off to Ryan … who is now holding his Christmas card and now the bag of caramel apples.

We walk out of the store …..

Ryan: Where are we going?

Me: I don’t know, I’m just following you.

Ryan: Oy!

Me: Didn’t you want to get something to drink?

Ryan: Yeah .. yeah.

So we head to Tastea to grab a drink. As we’re walking there, he never looks once towards me. It was odd because it felt like he was uncomfortable, like I was going to do something to him.

It’s like he thinks I’m going to make a move on him or try and go into his pants and give him a blowjob or something, it gets frustrating at times, but I usually brush it off.

Anyways, before we go into Tastea, he walks next door to look at some shoes.

I follow him like a lost puppy and make a comment on how he buys too many shoes. “I haven’t bought any for months because of work, ohhh … I like those”, he said with excitement in his eyes.

He finishes looking and we walk into Tastea, he places his order (usually a rasberry peach tea with a slight modification to it, if I remember correctly) and the cashier asks if he wanted anything else. He turns around and mumbles softly, “Did you want anything?”.

Photo Credit: Flickr

I was like, “What Ryan?”, even though I heard him. He asks again and I let the cashier know I’m fine (plus I couldn’t get anything because I had oral surgery the day before).

I stand towards the side as he’s waiting for his drink to be made. His name is called and goes to pick it up. We leave the store and head to our cars.

We were speed walking, or more like he was and I was just following suit. As we got near the exit, I found out that he parked near Borders, which is a bit far from where we were standing.

Me: Did you want a ride to your car?

Ryan: No it’s find Andyo, I’m sick and you probably don’t want my germs.

Me: I was just joking about that Ryan, I’ll be fine. Are you sure you don’t need a ride? My car’s right here.

Ryan: No thank you Andyo, it’s fine. I would give you a hug if I weren’t carrying all this stuff. (He was carrying the caramel apples, his present, and the tea. So yeah … it was a handful.)

Me: Okay … well, umm … feel better and I hope you have a good Christmas Ryan.

I head towards my car waving goodbye and turn around for a second to watch him walk away into the distance. I smile and think, “Silly, silly Ryan”, and continue walking to my car.

I wish he did give me that hug though … I really wish he did. His back is squishy and soft like a plush teddy bear, well that’s how it felt the last time I hugged him (which was on his birthday). Even though it was maybe a 5 second hug, just having him close was nice.

Everything feels perfect whenever I get the chance to hug or be near him, that was before. It’s completely different now … I haven’t spoken to him for months and the last time I tried, I could tell in his tone of voice that he didn’t want to.

I absolutely hate when I’m in the position that I consider someone a friend … but in reality they never considered me one in the first place. So it feels like a waste of time for me to put in the effort and energy to get to know them and in the end have them leave my life.

It feels like to them, I’m just “that guy” they know.

So I think that’s part of the reason I’m hesitant in creating a deep friendship or always have trust issues with people. I would doubt their genuineness or always think they had an ulterior motive.

Anyways back to the original topic ……….

I finally get to my car and head back home to eat some soup, because I couldn’t chew. Damn wisdom teeth!! Ryan is usually the kind of guy to thank people, but I never got a text or phone call from him afterwards. Which is weird …

As long as he was happy, that was all that mattered to me at that moment in time.

So I was sitting on my bed when I hear a text pop up from my phone at 09:58 p.m.

Ryan: thanks andyo for the giftcard plus apples. I just woke up from another nappy nap.

I smile and respond back wishing him a great Christmas. I put my phone onto the dresser and get on my bed again to do some Internet browsing.

He probably won’t ever know this, but he was a very special person in my life and I don’t think he realizes that … even to this day. I am lucky that he was in my life and treasure all the fond memories and times we hung out together.

Do I wish I could still text and call him? Yes of course.

Do I wish I could still hang out with him without being so awkward? Yes of course.

Do I wish he was still a friend and not “that guy I used to know?” Yes … of course I do.

There is always a reason we meet or have someone in our life. Whether they are there temporarily or forever … they all teach us something.

Things we take for granted sometimes …

– A


Entry filed under: Friends, Gay, General, Personal, Thoughts.

My 1960 Miles To Go My Anticipation

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Tara  |  June.5.2008 at 10:33 am

    I’m sorry to hear about that. I’ve had friends like that who wind up eventually just emailing me if they want something. That’s not friendship anymore. It’s sad when it gets like that.

    I’m sure Ryan was a nice guy, but what was up with him hanging up your phone on the other friend that called you? That’s immature and too impulsive.

    Oh and I LOVE caramel apples. Those ones in the display window look almost too pretty to eat. But I’d manage. 🙂

  • 2. - A  |  June.5.2008 at 5:42 pm

    Well I think both of us kind of screwed our friendship up, so we’re both to blame on that.

    Ryan’s a really nice guy, he really is. It’s just him when he was hanging up on my other friend, he can be immature at times .. lol.

    Mmmmm, even though they’re pretty to look at .. they’re even scrumptious to eat, 🙂


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About Me

The short version: Guy in his late-20's, loves technology (especially Apple) and his close friends, eating ice cream on his bright yellow couch and finally .. I'm gay.

But you can read the long version HERE

Quotes Of The Day

- "In the end, every relationship needs maintenance …Whether it’s the smallest gesture …or just picking up back where you left off. The bottom line is that if you care about someone, it’s pretty easy to make the sacrifice."

- J.D. (From Scrubs)

June 2008
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