And So It Begins

May.23.2008 at 10:48 am 2 comments

I finally moved out of my parents house, which is a huge step for me personally. The days prior to moving was extremely nerve racking because I was worried about the decision I made.

It’s scary to be on my own now, to be “independent” so to say. I have already started to settle down in my apartment, just need a refrigerator and I’m set. I got my Wifi network setup, which is a huge plus.

I was using my iPhone a couple of days ago to see if I could maybe leech off a Wifi network that wasn’t locked. Surprisingly all of them were locked … I told my co-worker about this and he said, “Well that shows you the people in your complex know about computers a little bit.”

You know what? I’m trying ….. really trying to write down my thoughts and how I’m feeling right now about the move. And I can’t … I started this post a couple of days ago and it’s constantly changing. It’s hard to write down what I’m feeling at this moment.

It feels like an enormous amount of emotions trying to get out all at once … but can’t.

A large part of me feels like this was the wrong decision to make, partially because I don’t know where my sister will be attending Grad School this fall.

She got accepted to Cal State Long Beach, but decided not to go because she felt it didn’t suit her. So now she’s thinking between San Diego or Northridge … the one in San Diego is estimated to be $30,000 per semester (they’re a trimester system .. so do the math .. and yeah …).

She’s also thinking about Northridge because it’ll be a whole lot cheaper, but she doesn’t know yet. Because she’s my sister I’m worried about how she’ll financially pay for all this. I know my parents will help her as well, but it’s a huge toll on them if my sister goes to the one in San Diego.

So I’m thinking if I were to still stay with my parents, the money I’m putting towards rent, expenses, etc. could go into helping my sister. But that puts me in the situation of being there for at least 3 years at my parents.

I thought I would be happy moving out, part of me is … a little part of me that is. My co-workers and friends seem happy to learn that I moved out, but I don’t feel thrilled or excited about it at all. I have this gut feeling that this isn’t going to work out. Maybe it’s just the pessimistic side of me talking … I don’t know.

I guess I’m scared because this is a drastic change for me … change always brings nervousness because it brings you out of your comfort zone. The only way to survive this is to adjust, adapt, and don’t let it take over you.

And so it begins … a new chapter in my life … I hope everything works out and gets better … because right now … I’m not feeling it …..

– A

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Entry filed under: General, Life, Personal, Thoughts.

Change Sunset on the 22

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. JRW  |  May.24.2008 at 1:06 pm

    Did you bring “turtle”?

    Give it some time. This is a big step. One of the biggest in your life because it starts a new chapter and closes the first book of your life. It’s very kind of you to consider so many people’s feelings… But I noticed your not considering your feelings.

    First off, honestly, I think your lack of confidence in your decisions comes from the other situation of confronting the “Yea me…Gay” thing. I think your inner turmoil is causing much of your anxiety. Things bother us and often it becomes like anesthesia. I notice your choice of words. I am not feeling this….tells me your charting on some very emotional grounds. Only to feel the numbness. Right now numb is your reaction to the stimulus and avoidance of the truth.

    I do not know you as we decided… but my heart goes out to you. Do you remember the ole cliche and book First Things First by Stephen Covey? Outstanding book. I think you might check into reading some of his first things series (as there are others since the original). I think it will explain why your not excited about your “new” life. A short assumption (which I usually try and keep to myself)…until you confront what is truly at the bottom …nothing else will matter. So many people go through life loving the people that is all wrong for us.. and …in that we stop loving who we are. You are faced with the ultimate barrier in human behavior….Vulnerability. Usually that is the actual undesired feeling that causes the initial turmoil. We are all afraid of being naked ..so to speak. As long as we wear our clothes it protects our soul. That is the number one reason in the workforce as well as personal relationships that inhibits human growth and personal development. I taught a class and developed a curriculum on Change Management and the psychological burden it places on people in the corporate culture. So much in fact I proved a theory that it costs companies billions of dollars. Here nor say…that is irrelevant but I do think that you can learn how to emotionally get your life organized where you can begin dealing with those things ..and start to live.

    Right now you are the biggest obstacle in your personal development. I bet you were raised in a conservative but very nice family. Was taught a set of perceived ideas based on those fostering your development. It’s the whole concept of college, marriage, 2 kids, a station wagon, a cat , 2 dogs, and a nice white picket fence that outlines your collection of how it is suppose to be. Correct? No one ever thought about being gay? right? So how does that fit in. Look people in your life love you. No matter what something may bring on. But they never stop loving you. I am sure your friends beliefs mirror yours. You probably come from like families….and your biggest thing is that you do not want to disappoint anyone? It is easy for me to sit back and seem objective spouting words of wisdom. But, I understand all too well what your going through(although not gay I have had things during my life that I fought…and caused great emotional consequences.). But a true word of advice here if you do not listen to anything else I say. Do not let it change the way you love. Don’t let it take the you out of who you are. That will happen if you do not deal with your other very important issue.

    I do not know why I am telling you this. Maybe its because I see and feel everything your dealing with. I just know what mistakes I made and I know through years of experience that it changed who I was. I would give anything to go back…change the directions in things..but mostly go back to the person I was and the person I never will have the opportunity to be again. I do not want to see that happen to anyone. You will always be lost. You cannot carry this alone and not expect it to not effect you, and all your relationships now and future. There are very few people who give from the heart and love with everything their heart has…I get the feeling you are both and the world does not need to lose anymore people who succumb to their own fears and learn to love by rules. Trust me one day you will know what I am talking about.

    Now for the good thing…this was free 🙂 ha. All joking aside but the rest of your life and the choices you make…depend on how each building block is handled. If you are honest, and handle things in a manner of responsibility, respect, and integrity you will look back on this and see how much strength to your inner “me” it gives. You have to build your foundation solid…else no matter what kind of house you put around it…your only as strong as the manner in which supports it.

    I could say so much but a public display of that crosses some boundaries to invasion of privacy and I respect that. If you choose to keep this post off your site…I understand. If you would like to comment to me in a private manner my email is something you should have from the requirements on your site in order to post.

    I do want to say this..moving out is HUGE. The first time I lived out of my parents house was college. I ended up spending one night at my apartment…driving an hour spending three nights at their house..back to my apt one night. That was the first semester. Second semester I would go home every other night and every weekend. By the time I graduated the last Christmas I was home was the first time in 12 months. So with every difficult situation comes transition…find your way and it will all be fine. I do not think your parents or your sister expects you to help pay for her school while sacrificing your own dreams.

    Dealing with being gay and how to cope with telling your loved ones. That is scary stuff. You are in a situation you have no one to talk to and help you…..you have to do it alone. Most find themselves faced with disclosure when it involves a mate. The good thing about your situation…you can get that all behind you and then you will be ready. I would like to ask you something and really do not know how t say it. (usually I have no problem ..you can see that from my post). Maybe in one of your blogs one day tackle your decision in coming to terms. What made you realize. Was it a specific event. Fantasy, etc. Was there any one thing? I would love to read about how you made the decision or distinction. That also might help you to put words to it and understand yourself.

    I still cannot believe I am posting on someone’s personal message board ..half way around the world…and offering advice like I am Oprah Winfrey….but maybe since I am searching for something I do not know what it is…it’s these things that the journey is about. Sad thing is if you don’t have a direction or know what your looking for …how do you know when you arrive? I guess you just stop along the way and hope that you do or say something that helps someone else. If that is the case it always makes for a rewarding venture. A lot of self discovery comes from the value you place on others.

    I wish you luck from the bottom of my heart.

    Reply
  • 2. - A  |  May.25.2008 at 10:01 am

    JRW … Thank You … I could say that a million times and it probably wouldn’t even matter, but from me … Thank You so much for all your advice …

    I cannot put in words how appreciative I am about you caring about my life … I mean like you said … we really don’t know each other. But it’s great to know that there’s someone … someone who does.

    And no .. my pet “turtle” was left at my parents house because I am unable to clean his tank here …

    Reply

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About Me

The short version: Guy in his late-20's, loves technology (especially Apple) and his close friends, eating ice cream on his bright yellow couch and finally .. I'm gay.

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