My Grandmother

I went to visit my grandmother about two weeks ago, the one near Pasadena. Even though her house is about 25 minutes away from work, I’ve never really bothered going.

It’s been months since I’ve seen her, plus I didn’t have any plans that night. I left work early because I told her the previous night I would be there around 06:00 p.m.

I was early (as usual), parked, curbed my wheel towards the street (because it’s on a hill) and slowly walked up towards the house … the door was ajar, so I let myself in.

I took my shoes off as I saw my grandfather and said hello to him; he looks so much older and thinner these days.

My grandmother heard me and came bustling in to greet me with a smile on her face. She looked the same … but tired.

My mom was telling me that my grandfather tripped a couple of months ago when they went on vacation.

As he tripped part of his glasses cut his face, thankfully it wasn’t too bad. I went back to my parents house this weekend and my mom was saying he tripped AGAIN when they went to Santa Barbra. Poor guy, he’s so clumsy at times.

Anyways, I walked into the kitchen where she was cooking dinner. It brought back memories when I was small and when she use to take care of me. The smell of toast and jam … the pots sitting on the stove … and the Thrifty Ice Cream she used to buy.

Since I was early, I told her to take her time as I went into the living room to watch television with my grandfather. We ate dinner, which was delicious because she cooked my favorite dish.

We were talking and they were asking if I had a girlfriend yet (which in my mind was funny because they don’t know I’m gay). If they ever knew, I don’t think our relationship would be the same.

They’re ultra-conservative and I already know there opinion about the matter. They think it’s strange and not normal at all.

Anyways, my grandmother was talking to me as I was helping her clean the table, she usually tells me three things. They’re usually:

1. If you’re hungry or too tired to cook, don’t be afraid to spend some money and grab something to eat.
2. Remember to hang out and keep in touch with your friends, especially the good ones.
3. If you have the time, travel and explore the world with your parents or friends.

She usually repeats them everytime I see her, so I politely nod ….. everytime, haha. I think she remembers telling me, guess it’s a grandmother thing.

Anyways after dinner I watched television with them, looked through some photographs they took on their trip, and just relaxed.

It was getting late so I decided to leave; everytime I visit her she usually cooks food for me to take back. But it was too much so I had to split it with my parents.

I took a picture of the food she gave me … took me 3 trips before I finally got everything in.

Enough to feed me for a week!

Yeah, the amount of food she had me bring back could have fed a village and the one next to it, haha. I called my mom the next day and asked if she could take some of it before it spoiled.

My dad was saying how happy my grandmother was because I went to visit her. Which made me happy because that wasn’t my intended purpose; I just missed seeing her and wanted to visit.

I guess when you care about someone, you’ll do whatever you can to make them happy; even if it’s something small.

Maybe by visiting and hanging out with them, maybe by staying up late and chatting with them, or maybe by just asking how they’re doing.

It’s always the small thoughtful things people tend to remember. Someone I knew asked me why I’m so nice to my friends.

Like spending the day with them on their birthday … helping them out even though they’re too afraid or too stubborn to ask … or just dropping a line and asking how they are.

I know most people probably think that my first thoughts are, “Is this going to make me look good?” or “I hope I get something in return”.

I’ve never had those popup. The thoughts I usually have are, “I hope they like their present” or “Let’s pray he / she has a great time”, which then stresses me out.

It’s always about them and whether they’re happy or not … that’s all I care about. I know people don’t understand that  … but that’s how my personality is like.

I’m a giver, not a taker, lol.

As I get older … I’m realizing and filtering out friends and acquaintances.

The people who are genuine, the people who make me feel great when I’m around them, the people who don’t take advantage of me, and the people who actually care and respect me.

I unfortunately made a huge mistake in thinking someone was my friend, that no matter how nice I was … how genuine I was … it didn’t matter in the end because they never saw me that way.

It’s a difficult process and we make mistakes here and there … but we’re only human and learn from it. We just have to make sure we don’t end up repeating it.

But as a friend of mine said, “Friendship takes two”. And he’s absolutely right about that … even though I won’t say it to his face because his ego will probably grow larger, *smiles*.

On a side note, I’m watching the Roast of Bob Saget … which is pretty hilarious. Especially when the comedians bag on each other … funny shit … funny shit.

Can’t believe it’s almost September … unbelievable …..

- A

Happy Left Hander’s Day

To all of those who are left-handed like me … Happy Left Hander’s Day!

Celebrate! It's good to be left-handed today.

- A

Breakdown

After coming back to my apartment from jogging, I went to take a shower and watched some Olympics.

I know this is bad, but I ate these mini-ice cream sandwiches I bought from Trader Joe’s … gosh they’re good. Especially if you like mint ice cream … they’re almost like Oreo’s!

Oh so delicious!

After finishing it, I decided to eat some more ice cream (Cookies & Creme), relax and watch some television. They were having a Scrubs marathon on Comedy Central, so I was switching between that and the Olympics.

I sat there eating Ice Cream and watching Scrubs, the episode they were showing was, “My New Game” and it was towards the end of the episode where J.D. and Turk were talking.

J.D.: Nice work.
Look, man, it was one second of doubt, okay? Since when do you care what anybody else thinks?

Turk: I don’t. I care what you think. Since the day I met you, you’ve…treated me like I was the man, like I could accomplish everything. This is gonna sound lame, but –

Softball Player: I’ve got it!

Turk: — your being like that’s one of the reasons I’ve gotten to where I am.

J.D.: Wow. That’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.

J.D.’s Narration: In the end, every relationship needs maintenance …..

… I don’t understand why, but I was on the verge of starting to cry. I could feel the tears starting to build in my eyes and my nose starting to run. 

I don’t think it was the scene nor what I was thinking at the time, but I didn’t understand what caused it. So I continued sitting on my couch, and finishing the rest of my ice cream.

The stupid thing was, I was talking aloud to myself to stop crying.

I don’t understand what’s happening to me, I don’t understand why I’m feeling the way I am, and I don’t understand what’s making me feel so depressed.

I don’t feel happy right now in this point of my life, no matter how much I seem like I am happy, I’m not. It’s some front that I display around everyone … my family … co-workers … friends and even people extremely close to me like James and Nat.

I’ve unconsciously sabotaged every relationship around me … friends, co-workers, and my family.

Just proof-reading this post made me start crying again, which I hate because my nose runs like crazy and my glasses (which I wear at night) get dirty because of my tears. Thank-goodness I don’t have my contacts on.

At this point in my life I feel: hopeless, lost, confused, alone. It’s like I’m walking through life without any sense of purpose. I wake up, go to work, come back to my apartment, watch some television, sleep and repeat the same thing the next day.

Just trying to deal with this by myself isn’t helping at all … you would think I can count on my friends to help. But they can’t because I don’t really talk about this with them nor do I think they even care.

I could probably be in a car accident without any of them noticing or ever hearing about it. Hell .. I could probably be dead the next day without them noticing until months later.

Even if they do help, the only thing they can possibly do is just be a leaning shoulder for me. This is my problem and I have to deal with it. Even if they offer support, with my stubbornness I’ll always deny it.

That’s just me, it’s a tough stubborn wall to knock down. Guess it just makes me feel weak when they do help.

Anyways, I’ve been thinking these days about going away for a week or so, just to escape everything. I’ve already maxed out on my vacation hours at work, so I won’t be able to accrue any until I use some.

When it comes down to it, I probably won’t do it just because of the time and money required to do such a thing. But you never know with me … I constantly change my mind.

I know if a friend of mine ever knew about this, he would probably tell me I’m being “Emo” and roll his eyes or something. Actually he won’t ever say that directly to me when I think about it.

But what he doesn’t know is that I’ve been feeling like this for a long time, about a year or so. I’m just going through a rough time personally and emotionally. I’ve been trying to suppress all this for years hoping I’ll never have to avoid it.

I should have never done that because it’s starting to have a negative impact on me and it caught up with me finally. 

I despise writing these depressing posts because this isn’t me … this isn’t who I am. I know I’m better than this nor am I trying to pull some sympathy card from people.

People who know me personally know that this isn’t me, I’m usually a cheerful, sarcastic, and guy who jokes with everyone. I just feel lost and don’t know what I’m doing anymore.

You win … I lost … happy now?

- A

Deep Breaths .. Deep Breaths

These past weeks I’ve been trying to jog around the area at apartment. I’ve mapped out a route which is a mile long, the bad thing is I can finish it in 20 minutes by walking (a.k.a. “Power Walking”).

I have long legs which is why I finish so quickly; so today I decided to take an alternate and longer route. The only negative aspect to it is that I go onto major roads (specifically Valley View and Lincoln), which is quite loud. So if you see some guy jogging oddly .. that would be me!

I don’t like going onto major roads because I can barely hear the music playing on my iPhone; all you hear are cars passing by. Even though I could use a treadmill (which a buddy of mine says is better because there is less stress placed on your knees, etc.)

Anyways, I’ve calculated the amount of time I jog compared to the time I walk. It’s not good to say the least … 

• Total Time Jogging: 5 - 7 Minutes
• Total Time Walking: 15 - 20 Minutes

As you can see … not an ideal time. My initial goal right now is to be able to jog continuously for at least 10 minutes and progress from there. My plan is to start slow, then start slowly building up …..

I usually warm-up by walking for 5 - 10 minutes and then I start jogging. I stop at certain points on my route, even if I’m my legs are feeling like they’re burning. I’m trying to learn to breathe properly.

Google tells me to inhale through my nose and exhale through my mouth. Please feel free to let me know if there’s a better technique though. I’ve been meaning to join a gym, but haven’t found any good specials for far.

Well .. in reality I have but I kept waiting and waiting, which was a mistake. Because I found one a couple of weeks ago … it was $200 or something for a year, which boiled down to $22/month. Which is decent … but I thought there would be a better special and waited.

The new route was nice … it was ~ 35-40 minutes. I didn’t time how much I jogged, but it was probably around 7 - 8 minutes hopefully. I hope to keep this routine up and fit it into my work schedule, which is difficult at times.

If any of you guy’s have tips .. please feel free to comment. F.Y.I. … you don’t need to provide your email address to comment.

- A

Dinner Complete

So the Reunion Dinner we had yesterday went much smoother than I had expected.

I had 25 confirmed to attend, but when it came down to it, only 16 showed up. Which meant I could have kept my original reservation of 15 *rolls eyes*

I was bored crazy before dinner. So I decided to go to the mall sine the restaurant was right next to it.

To my surprise, when I got there at 07:30 most or all of the stores were closing. Yeah … you would think that mall’s would close later on the weekends.

I couldn’t really shop like I planned to, which meant I was an hour early for dinner.

I didn’t know where else to go, so I decided to just wait outside the restaurant. Thankfully I had my iPhone, otherwise I would have been completely bored.

After sitting there and people watching for about 35 minutes, everyone started to trickle in around 08:15 and the rest arrived by 08:30.

Thankfully I made the reservation at that time knowing people would show up late.

Since we were one of the last groups of people at the restaurant, we got our food at a reasonable amount of time.

What surprised me was that all of us (all but one actually) got our food at the same time. Even though our group was somewhat large.

At the end it looked like everyone had a good or decent time, they caught up and remensed about the past, a couple of them had drinks, and everyone seemed to enjoy the moment.

I didn’t have everyone that I wanted to come because of some scheduling conflicts. Maybe next time though …..

All in all it went better than I expected, and we weren’t short on our bill. In fact we were over, by $7.00 if I remember. Which isn’t bad for our group.

We took pictures afterwards with everyone and slowly walked to our cars.

My apologies for any mispellings; I’m doing laundry at my parents house right now and typing this on my iPhone.

The WordPress application doesn’t have spellcheck yet, hopefully it’ll come.

- A

J.D. and Turk

I know I mention the show Scrubs in some of my posts and it’s becoming one of my favorite shows to watch these days. Almost thinking about buying the DVD’s for them ….

Anywho, besides the witty humor, great writing (well the first couple of seasons), and the characters; one aspect of the show I enjoy most is the close (yet odd and funny) friendship that J.D. and Turk have.

They’re “best friends for life” (according to J.D.) and have a long history behind them.

Their personalities are similar, but there’s enough differences between them to balance each other out.

Turk is competitive, has a frat boy nature to him, and basically a man’s man per-se. He’s the typical guy you would know: sports, women, and beer.

Then there’s J.D. … the other half to the “Multi-Ethnic Siamese Doctor”.

He’s not the man’s man you would see: he orders Apple-tini’s — easy on the -tini, a “dork” (as described by Turk), isn’t good at sports (but he does try), and loves to give hugs (or be given hugs).

I think this clip best describes J.D. …..

“J.D. is often shown to have a codependent fixation on Turk, regularly going through steep depression whenever he can’t be with him, and feeling completely lost whenever Turk seems to be spending more time with anyone else.” - Wikipedia

As much as he’s attached to Turk … they’re still able to get along and be best friends. But I think the codependency exists both ways … just more so with J.D. though.

They have their goofy moments where they joke with each other …..

They have the usual bumps in their friendship …..

And then they can still have their serious life conversations (the first couple seconds of the clip) …..

When Nat and Reina were at my apartment last month, Nat was joking that her boyfriend and his close friend were like J.D. and Turk. I laughed a little and was going to say that Nat and Reina were like them too, just the female version.

Friendship is unnecessary, like philosophy, like art… It has no survival value; rather it is one of those things that give value to survival. And their friendship signifies it to the tee.

- A

Olympics Event Schedule And A Side Note

For those of you interested in watching the Olympics, I found an interactive guide on the NY Times. It’s pretty handy if you wanted to plan your television schedule around events you’re interested in.

I was talking to my co-worker and we were saying how gymnastics and swimming & diving were some of the more popular events people would watch.

Gymnastics isn’t really interesting to me … I’ll watch it, but there’s no real enjoyment out of it.

Same goes for swimming and diving, but the only difference is getting to see guys in barely any clothing, lol. Typical gay guy huh?

Anyways you can click HERE to get the interactive schedule. Hope it’s helpeful to someone out there.

———————————————

On a side note … I made reservations for 15 for the dinner on Saturday. But I just found out that I would have to double it and then some to accommodate everyone.

There’s still a lot of people on the “Maybe List” which isn’t good. I mean if it were only a handful of people, it would be fine. If more people do show up … let’s pray that we can have another table or squeeze in more chairs.

I’m kind of nervous now whether or not we’ll be able to get our table(s) on time because of our rather large group. Another thing I’m worried is the fact that everytime we go out in a large group … we’re ALWAYS short on our bill … ALWAYS.

Not just a couple of dollars … but a sizable chunk, which means certain people(s) didn’t pay. And that means I might have to pick up the extra tab, which I don’t want to do.

Thankfully they serve alcohol, so I’ll be having a drink (or two) to calm my nerves down, lol. Ahhhh .. good ole’ Vodka and Tonic, *smiles*.

So when it boils down I’m worried:

1. All of the people on the “Maybe List” showing up because the reservation is for 25 (originally it was 15), and there are 10+ people that I did not include in the reservation. Hopefully the restaurant lets us squeeze people in or have another table.
2. Surprise visitors I was not expecting in my original calculation
3. About getting our table on time, even though the manager on the phone said we would
4. That when our bill comes, we’re like $100 short and I have to pony up the cash for it *starts to tear up* which I don’t want to do. People … pay for your food please!
5. That maybe I should have done the “Buffet Option” the manager was recommending. But since it’s so last minute, I didn’t think I could spread the word fast enough or if people were down for that. It’s going to be HELL when we’re ordering / getting our food.
6. I have to do generic conversation because I don’t really talk to / hangout with all the people coming. It’ll be nice seeing them and catching up … but still … it’s not the same
7. That I may have gotten over my head planing this and should have asked for more help (thankfully people did … whew!)
8. Everyone’s going to go in their cliques (which isn’t unusual) and I’m left stranded
9. That no matter how many people are around me, nothing sucks more than feeling alone
10. And finally … putting the burden on myself and hoping … just hoping everything goes smoothly and everybody has a great time.

I’m not stressing too much about this, just worried … it sucks to know that what I really and truly want is to have

- A

T.G.I.F.

T.G.I.F.

Originally uploaded by - &e -

It’s Friday! And it’s casual Friday at the office! Can’t wait for
tomorrow, hope everyone gets to go to the dinner I’m planning.

Hopefully the number of people I reserved for is enough. *crosses
finger*

- A

The Get Together

I’m planning a get together with co-workers from my previous job on Saturday.

Working there was a special time in my life, and if I had to do it over again, I would … over and over and over again. I loved working there … the people .. the work … everything about it.

But I got bored … it wasn’t challenging anymore … the atmosphere wasn’t how it was when I started … and I had to move on.

The prospect of quitting was frightening because it was my first job ever. Plus I knew it wouldn’t be the same afterwards, with respect to the people who worked there still.

Anyways, I keep in touch with a couple of people still and we hang out. Then there are those I only see at these “Reunion Dinner’s” we occasionally have.

So last month when Nat and Reina came over to my apartment, we were discussing how we haven’t seen so-and-so for such a long time; that we should have dinner with them. That brought up the idea to try and plan a reunion dinner.

I started to plan the dinner two weeks ago and sent out MySpace invites (which I hate because people don’t check it sometimes). I didn’t have everyone’s contact information, so I asked people to spread the news.

I found out that some people felt weird going because I didn’t personally invite them. Which made me feel a little bad because it looked like I excluded them, but that was never the case.

People who knew me well know I would never do that, plus I was lazy to contact everyone personally. Wait … that sounds bad, let’s say I was “delegating” my responsibilities, haha.

Anyways, I’m very excited about Saturday and can’t wait, even though I rarely talk to any of these people. I’m thankful people are helping by letting others know about the dinner.

I was hoping people I usually talk to would attend, either they’re not going or they have other plans. But it’ll still be nice to see all of my previous co-workers and I’m hoping they have a good time.

I mean alcohol + food + friends … what else could you want?

- A

Good Morning …..

Took this before I left my apartment in the morning

- A